Wednesday, September 26, 2018

THE EMPTY NEST

                                              

My son told me the other day that his youngest boy is moving out and now it’s just his wife and him alone in the house. He mentioned that it wasn’t just another empty bedroom in their house that was happening; it also, was going to be a much quieter house. Then he said wistfully, “ That is, if a quieter house is what you’re looking for.” I said, “You and your wife should be proud that he is going to be missed that much. It says to me, you did a good job.”

It’s a pensive moment when you look into your kids rooms and realize there never coming back to it. You see the football pennants on the wall in his room and the shelves full of model cars and planes. Or across the hall, a room with a four-poster canopy bed, laden down with stuffed animals and pom poms, mementos from your little girl who is s now a young lady, with her eyes set on the future. You’ve joked with your spouse along the way about making her room into a gym that you probably wouldn’t use anyway or maybe a craft room for her, who’s not sure if she wants to go that route either. Maybe it’s time for a smaller home-- but moving? How do you say goodbye to all your friends and neighbors you’ve known for 20 years?

Life has all of these teaching moments you can read about and I can write about but in the end you have to live them to appreciate what they really are all about. Along with your newfound freedom comes a sense of, “What do I do now?” As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you enjoyed the responsibility of taking this child down that path to adulthood. Watching them be self-sufficient and hopefully being more then you ever dreamed they could be. But now tonight, here you and her sit at a dining room table with six chairs and stare at each other and those empty chairs seem to say, “What has just happened here?”

As humans we’re unique in the animal kingdom when it comes to rearing our young, as we usually get only one go around. For some, one time is plenty thank you but for others it’s a poignant moment. The end of an era and to my line of thinking, the most important era in the litany of family life. What can be more important then preparing our kids for their life as adults?

For all intensive purposes, we can only teach our young the basics. That often comes along from a time-honored tradition that came from our parents and grandparents. But the world changes everyday and in ways we only dreamed would happen, because we never experienced or even thought of everything they are going to experience today. And so we ask. “Did we cover all the bases or not.” Time will tell and all you can do is say to them. “You know what, I know your anxious to go out there and make us proud but if the roadblocks sometimes seem insurmountable, we don’t burn bridges in this family we just build them stronger. We weren’t just a family for eighteen years, we will always be a family and who knows, next time we talk-- I may be the one asking you for advice.”

Thursday, September 20, 2018

WHEN IS WRONG REALLY WRONG?

                                  

I find it so hard to believe how much our lives are impacted by sports and athletes. Now to be sure I watch sports myself and I have my heroes too and I have probably been guilty to some extent of participating in the very thing I’m going to write about. But that doesn’t make it right.

A while back I finished reading a book by Jon Krakauer who is a celebrated author of such books as “Into Thin Air” and “Under the Banner of Heaven.” In this book he chronicles what happened in a community in Montana when a group of college athletes were accused of sexual violence against women. Now sexual violence against women happens everyday in this country so that in itself is nothing new but what seems to be so different, when athletes are the accused, is the amount of support they receive from the team and the community itself, professing their innocence. Yes, seemingly, they seem to be held to a different standard. In reality the colleges are doing a better job every day of holding athletes accountable but outside interests make this very hard for them to do. They are under intense pressure to bend the rules.

Even at the high school level it exists. A few years back I had just returned from Florida and in the community we were staying, several high school basketball players participated in making a disgusting video and then posting it online. The school acted quickly and the players admitted their guilt. They were suspended for several games and the matter seemed to be resolved, until the parents lawyered up and asked that the suspensions be reversed. The athletic careers of their kids were far more important, then setting a good example and doing what was right.

I was once told that no one is above the law but we all know that is not true when you have the money to pay someone to defend you in this country. Justice-- and I use that word loosely, is often times bought. Justice and the truth are not as synonymous in this country, as people would think. The truth becomes, not relevant to a good defense attorney and for the followers and supporters of sports, setting good examples are no longer important either. Krakauer told in his book about a young lawyer and an old lawyer who teamed up on a case. The verdict was set to come in and the young lawyer was sent to hear it. He telephoned the old lawyer after hearing the verdict and said “Justice was served.” The old Lawyer said, “Appeal immediately.”

 I often see Lawyers arguing a point for what seems forever, when you know in your heart that the truth needs no explanation. Say it and stick with it. If we want to be good examples of what is right and what is wrong in sports we need to get the selfishness out of sports. You should win because you are the best team and that means off the court as well as on it. Sports should teach you to be good winners and good losers, because in reality that is how life works also. To the athletes I would say this. You are held to a different standard-- a higher standard. It goes with the territory because when you fail. you fail a lot of people and that is sad.

Tuesday, September 11, 2018

UPDATE ON THE SUNSHINE BOYS

                                    

I have talked before about this motley group of old men, of which I am one, who get together a few times a week for coffee. We come from many different facets of life, teachers, engineer’s, public safety, military and even a retired banker. Were from all different sides of the political isle and different faiths too. Some of us are married and some are single but the one thing we have in common is we’ve all had a lot of experiences in life that we enjoy sharing with each other. But most of all we have a lot of respect for each other. That respect we have for each other is more important then all of our beliefs, preconceived ideas, or past experiences because in the end—our goal is just to be friends.

What if the rest of the world could operate this way? What a wonderful world it would be. We have found that the place for politics is at the polls and the place for religion is in your homes and churches. Were old men and we have learned that we can be a little grumpy and stubborn sometimes but we also know that to be that way just ostracizes you and so there you sit with your long sad face and no one wanting to talk to you. But if you throw that foolish pride out the window and find that common ground where we can all walk together, then life is so much easier.

Over the years as we have met together, the group has changed many times and as sad as it is to see someone leave; sometimes through death or illness or moving away, there’s always excitement to see someone new come and join us. If nothing more they may have some new jokes. God knows, we need some new jokes.

I believe that this kind of social networking is played out in many other places. Most of them though have a common cause and I must admit if we do have a common cause, outside of friendship, I’m not sure what it is. We have no leaders, no board of directors, no written rules and no real objectives. No one has ever been kicked out or made to feel unwelcome. On the other hand no one has ever been put in charge of anything either so there is a complete lack of authority or organization. If something does need to be organized, Fergie just does it, and were all fine with that. We have no agenda except to be reasonably nice to each other. Meetings are not mandatory and attendance is not taken. There are no applications or qualifications.

We do have a real past roll of honor because we not only don’t forget each other, we don’t forget our passed members either who have gone on before us. It was their character and their spirit that made this thing work for so many years. We only need to emulate what they started and keep this thing going.

So if you’re not busy Monday, Wednesday or Friday at nine in the morning. If you don’t mind wasting an hour of your life you’re not going to get back. If you’re not too thin skinned and have some new jokes, we would love to meet you. We’re at Pine Peaks CafĂ© and the waitresses are beautiful and the food is great. Come on in.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018

FIREFIGHTING

                                                

Having been a firefighter in a large city, I find it hard to imagine what it’s like to fight the huge forest fires now burning in rural California. We had some bad fires in my day but they never went into the next day. You always had time to recoup and be ready for the next one. There are Firefighters in those forest areas that have been on the fire lines for months. Men and women with families and friends and all they want, is to go home and be with them, if only for a few days. But the fire seasons come earlier every year and last longer and the troops are stretched thin.

You sit on the top of a ridge with someone’s precious home behind you and you watch the fire coming up the hill at you. You have a hose line fogged out in front of you but the heat coming up the hill is like opening the door to a blast furnace and it hits you before the actual flames, which are farther away then you can possibly squirt water to douse them. Somewhere around 500 degrees the house behind you will combust on its own, even if you yourself can stick it out. Then all you can do with a fire in front of you, and one in back of you, is run for your life. It happens a lot.

The ambient temperature is over ninety degrees, sometimes close to a hundred and that’s away from the main fire. You wear Nomex hoods, helmets and fire retardant gear for protection but there is a point when they break down too and then you can get third degree burns right through your gear. But even without the fire being there, its very hot with all of that gear on. Did I tell you its over ninety degrees outside? You sweat profusely and you can’t drink enough water. If the fire get’s by you, you have to retreat and make another stand. There’s no calling time out.

The air around you is not safe to breath but it’s all you have to breath, so you breath it. It’s full of smoke and soot particles so small they get into your lungs and stay there. There are chemicals burning, plastics and metals, pesticides and herbicides along with the brush, trees and homes. You try and stay up wind but at some point there is no upwind and you just breathe it or suffocate. If you live to get a pension someday there is a good chance you will be sick a lot with lung disease or cancer and by the way, you have to pay your own medical bills. There are no special hospitals for firefighters and police officers supported by the government.

I don’t tell you this for empathy. Most firefighters chose their profession and they’re proud of it. They feel that all of this goes with the territory. When they’re not fighting fires, they are the first responders who come to help you when you are sick and hurt. They cut people from car wrecks, rescue them from mountaintops and search the river bottoms and lakes for drowning victims. All life is sacred to them, people and animals. They see things they wish their eyes could unsee but somehow know those sights are locked in their minds, for the rest of their life.

Firefighters are proud people and they are proudest when their sons and daughters take up the cause. But if the kids say, “That’s not for me.” They understand. If you know a firefighter or a police officer tell them thanks. They don’t hear it often.