SAVING MONEY

Being in my seventies, and having kept house for fifty some years, one would think that there would be little I would need in my household that I don’t already have. The word “bargain” as defined in the dictionary is “something that is offered for sale, or barter, at a price much less than it is worth.” It makes no mention of the fact of whether you need it or not. Greed, which is an inherent urge we all put up with at times, overrules common sense and we can’t help ourselves. Hence, we buy crap we don’t need. My wife would buy things at sales and then resell them at her own annual sale—usually for less than she paid for them. How did I feel about that? Let me just say that “don’t ask, don’t tell” doesn’t just apply to the U.S. Armed Forces.

But this year I had a need for a doghouse; one that I could put out on my deck to shelter my dog when I’m gone, and leave her out there. So when one popped up at a flea market, I was quick to purchase it. Two things didn’t work out for me. First thing, I foolishly thought the word “flea market,” was a euphemism for a rummage sale. I never dreamed you could actually buy fleas, which were in the doghouse I bought, and that have since moved to my dog. The second thing that didn’t work out was the dog wouldn’t go in the doghouse. Yes, she did go in long enough to collect the fleas, but I came home in a rainstorm the other day and she was sitting on top of it—in the rain.

My spouse and I used to go coupon shopping, and by the way, I still use coupons for things I will actually eat because I believe she is watching me from up there and I don’t need any trouble if I get there, too. But sometimes she would have a coupon for something like Pickled New Zealand Termite Eggs, and she would buy them because you just can’t ignore a coupon that big, and by the way, it was always about the bottom line at the checkout counter. You know that line on the bottom of your grocery receipt that says you saved more than you spent, but somehow forty-nine dollars managed to disappear out of your billfold and a Philadelphia lawyer couldn’t make heads or tails of that receipt, but she could.

I once bought a shirt at a clothing store, that I can’t name, that was on a 90% off rack; and then got 20% off because it was senior day; and then got another 15% off for using my store credit card. The clerk had to override the cash register because it couldn’t believe what was happening and refused the transaction. I thought they were going to call the cops on me. Anyway, never mind, the shirt is too ugly to wear—but what a bargain, huh? I felt so bad when I got home that I e-mailed all of the clothing factories in Taiwan and apologized. Not even they can work that cheap.

I bought a music CD off a television ad that was $9.99 plus shipping and handling. Conveniently—at least for them they don’t spell out how much shipping and handling is—but I thought, what the heck, how much can it cost to throw that CD in an envelope and snail mail it here to me. Well, it seems that the people in that warehouse in Lakeville, and the good old United States Postal Service, need to talk to that poor seamstress in Taiwan who bought the cloth, sewed me an ugly shirt and shipped it half way around the world, cheaper because the shipping and handling exceeded the cost of the CD. and the shirt. Who knew? Now I do and so do you.