THE WEATHER

                                                          

So when there is nothing else to talk about up here in the winter we can always talk about the weather or lack of it. This winter seems to be one of the coldest ones I have experienced and this morning I went to Brainerd and bought a brass monkey and put him out on the deck because I have always wanted to witness that meteorological castration my father always talked about when I was growing up. So far everything seems to be intact so I’m not sure at what temperature this phenomenon takes place. It was thirty-one below this morning and the weatherman is saying on Monday the really cold air is coming so yippee. Watch out monkey.

My dog has frozen bladder syndrome, which enables her to cut down to one trip a day outside. I think if I was forced to go out there I would be wearing a bag or making other arrangements. I have friends who escape the cold by going south and they like to call and tell me what the temperature is down there. It’s kind of like sitting down on the curb, next to a homeless man and eating a quarter pounder and fry’s while he’s having something he found in a dumpster. I could go south if I wanted too but the minute I left there would be some January heat wave up here and the jet steam would blow straight north to south and it would be six degrees in Fort Meyers and fifty up here and all I could think about is the money I wasted. Beside there’s nothing to write about down there and I have to come up with something.

Yesterday on the news I watched some people jumping into a frozen lake to raise money for some charity and I’m thinking why not just give them the money and save their anatomy.  That brass monkey might not be the only one having problems. I fell into a frozen lake once and I swear I saw my dead grandma and my wife heard what I yelled, and it cost me six dollars in the swear jar when I got in the house. I would have thought only the dog could hear something yelled in that octave but no I guess.

I was in Mesa for five days for Christmas and I swear if one more person down there, asks me where I came from and crosses her arms and legs and shivers when I say Minnesota, I am going to car jack that lady, put her in the trunk of the car and drop her off in Minot in her underwear. I also get tired of trying to answer their questions, about what we do in January, when its thirty one below because I am trying to work on my lying at the request of the parish Priest and although I know its not cold where he says I might be going if I don’t shape up, it would be just my luck the Vikings would win the Super Bowl and that place would freeze over anyway. On second thought maybe global warming will screw that up also.

I have in my possession a bottle of spirits that seems to warm up my posterior when it is consumed and I think, just for medicinal purposes I will have some about now. I am supposed to have only one drink a day and this little baby right here is for April ninth 2015. It will all even out come summer. Oh crap why did I have to say summer? Even the dog perked her ears up and now she wants to go outside.