SHE WAS NOT AMUSED

                                             

So my oldest daughter flew up from Mesa with her husband and daughter for a week. Knowing she was coming, I spent two days cleaning my house before she got here because she is a clean freak and she has threatened to call the county and have me put in a foster home. You see once your wife passes away, your daughters feel that you have now reverted back to one step above an infant. I asked Pat, who comes to my house, quite often for an assessment of my house cleaning ability and she said it was good, so I have gotten a second opinion, from one who knows or at least keeps the truth to herself.

My daughter ran my vacuum cleaner for three hours straight the other day. She brings me the collection container and shows me what’s inside. “What is this Dad?” she asks. “That’s called dog hair,” I answered. “You have met Molly have you not? That’s that big dog over by the back door. Molly is a shedding machine. Molly can lose a hair and grow and shed another one, out of the same follicle in the same day. If the doggy gynecologist looked in Molly’s mother’s uterus she would have found a hairball bigger than Dolly Parton’s wig.” She was not amused.

“Dad you have spiders. I have killed two of them since I have been here.” Reply. “Everybody has to be someplace. Even spiders. I hope you didn’t kill Elmer because he was one of my favorites. I feel sorry for Elmer because he only has seven legs but he does get around pretty good for a handicapped spider. Not sure if he was born that way or if he had a terrible accident.” Again she was not amused.

Back to the vacuuming, anything to quit talking about spiders. “Dad how often do you vacuum.” Reply. “Twice a week and then once a month I bring in my back pack blower and do a good job. But only if the wind is from the north and I can open the back door and blow it all outside. By the way the blower found a pair of girls underwear the other day under the bed. It went out the back door and is stuck in that spruce tree; does it belong to your girls? It has ‘Wonder Woman’ on the back of it and I know that’s not you.”  Again she was not amused.

“Dad how many kitchen towels do you think you have. The drawer is so full I can’t close it. You need to change with the silverware drawer because it’s bigger and besides---“Reply. I went to the towel drawer in mid sentence, took out half of them and threw the rest in the trash. “Problem fixed. Leave my silverware drawer alone.” Again she was not amused.

“Dad do you realize your electric toothbrush is sitting within four feet of the toilet?”

Reply. “Actually its thirty three inches and I do keep it there because that’s where the outlet is and I didn’t think having an extension cord draped over the vanity is a good thing and the shortest cord I have is a fifty footer. I want you to know I try very hard not to pee on my toothbrush. I don’t always hit the middle of the bowl but for all practical purposes I still get in the vicinity. If in the future it gets to be a problem I will go outside with Molly by the Spruce tree. The one with the panties hanging in it.” Again not amused.