GLOBAL WARMING

Over the years I have been intrigued with the cause and effect of global warming. I have studied carbon footprint and the effects of co2 emissions caused by burning fossil fuels. I have watched with great interest as scientists explain in detail what effect this is going to have on mother earth. But just last week I was made aware of how cows, through their release of methane gas, are contributing to this problem.

As long as we like meat and dairy products, there is little we can do about this—we can’t teach these cows manners.

On my travels around the Untied States I have seen many oil well installations. At night, you can see the flares from these wells as they burn off excess gas that would otherwise be released into the atmosphere. This is the oil companies’ way of not causing harmful gases to pollute our atmosphere. In many cases, the gas is collected, sold, and transported through pipelines to heat our water, homes and to use for cooking. They, in effect, are killing two birds with one stone by extracting oil and capturing the by-products for domestic use. It is not feasible to capture all of it so they burn off the rest.

Back to the cows. I truly believe that necessity is the “mother of invention.” If these ruminants are polluting our earth something must be done about it. I love milk and steak too much to even suggest getting rid of them, but what if there was a way to get rid of the gas. So, I have come up with a methane valve that could be attached to the cow in the appropriate place. This valve would have a detector that would sense the gas and produce a spark that would burn off the gas. Now, to be realistic, I realize that fire in this area has the potential to burn the cow’s tail. So, I have designed a space age heat shield that would protect this appendage from damage. I also realize that from time to time the cow needs to eliminate solid waste so there would be a pressure sensitive spring that would allow the apparatus to swing to the side for this.

Now, being a little bit of a pessimist but more of a realist, and knowing how the American public likes to misuse products meant for other things—wives, this will be labeled for veterinarian use only. It will also be labeled for outdoor use only. We don’t need any barn fires.

I truly believe that the small amount of discomfort this could produce for the cows may teach them to have some manners, and much as we humans try to put a handle on our rude bodily functions, maybe they can control themselves better, too. I’m sure they don’t enjoy what they are doing, but do it out of necessity. I have never heard of a cow asking another cow to “Pull my hoof.” I also think that, on a dark summer night out in the pasture, well, do you remember when you were a kid and you saw the fireflies? It was kind of pretty wasn’t it?

I am not looking for a Noble Peace Prize here; I’m just trying to do my part for global warming. I am looking for investors. Serious inquiries only, to Bovine flatulence.com