FATHERLY ADVICE

                                               

Just for this week, I am going to turn this column into an advice column for newly married men. At least those who are in it for the first time. Now I know many of you have fathers, grandfathers or fathers-in law’s you could talk to about matters concerning the fair sex but believe me if they are still married it would be some watered down advice you would get --if any from them. They are not allowed to speak freely about such things and I’ll tell you why later in this little ditty.

Lesson one. They know when you’re lying. You might think it’s between you and the lord but you’re wrong. All women have some kind of clairvoyant abilities. I know it sucks but like the pothole in the road, if you know its there and you avoid it, you might not get hurt. Case in point. My wife went to some church function and my one-year-old daughter made a mess in her pants. As a fireman I have bagged up dead bodies from airplane crashes but the thought of a poopy diaper still gags me to this day. I knew my wife would be home in an hour so I did the only thing I could do. Open a window and spray some air freshener. When she returned I exclaimed the minute she came in the door, “I don’t know what’s wrong with this child but I just changed her pants and I guess she wasn’t done or something,” and handed her the baby. She promptly handed her back to me and said. “Shame on you, Change that kids pants or it will be the last pair of girls pants you’ll ever take off anyone in this house.”---Ouch. Now go back to the last line of the first paragraph. Now you know.

Lesson two. Just shut up and eat it, whatever it is she made and especially if it was one of her mothers recipes. Case in point.  She once made me an old family recipe of German milk toast.  I refused to eat it telling her I was lactose intolerant. “Have you not heard about that?” I asked. “Yes Mike we’ve all heard it-- and about it,” she said “and it has nothing to do with lactose unless beer has milk in it.” She suckered the kids into thinking it was the greatest thing since cotton candy and I ate it for thirty years. The comment I made to her about  “Germany losing the war and sucking on frozen milk toast on the Russian front” was not at all helpful either.

Lesson three. Do not under any circumstances utter the words “Woman’s work.” when you are asked to help out around the house. There are not enough adjectives in the English language for me to explain the consequences of that. You might just as well call her mother, a lady of the evening, as say those words. They are poisonous words and I would give you another case in point to prove it but it’s too painful to talk about and Medicare doesn’t cover the therapy I would probably need. Excuse me; I have to change the subject.

 I’m short on room so I’m just going to throw some no-no’s out there, so take them for what they’re worth. The neighbor lady does not look good, no matter what she wears or for that matter doesn’t wear. And don’t ever tell you’re wife she looks good when its obvious she doesn’t. That’s not reverse psychology, that just stupid. To sum it up son. Life ain’t fair. The fair is where you go to get your pig judged. So just get used to it.