A while back, my friend and I, and our two nemesis called
dogs, crammed into my SUV and set our sights on Arizona. “What are you going to
do down there,” you say. Same thing we do here—only it’s warmer. Hey, that
was pretty good logic. I think.
When you pack, keep in mind that, down here in Arizona, they
have stores like we have in Minnesota. One credit card takes up far less room
than two months of supplies. In 1846, the Donner party took less on their trip
to California, than I have taken on some trips. The only advantage to having a
car packed full, with dogs and supplies, is that no carjacker in their right
mind is going to bother you. Also, remember that 12 oz. of coffee at seven in
the morning, means 31 oz. of urine two hours later, squeezed into a 30 oz.
bladder; and the urge will manifest itself, right after you have passed the
last rest stop, for the next sixty miles. Doing the pee, pee dance while
strapped into a bucket seat is no fun.
The trip involves two overnight stops. Because of the dogs
we have to go to pet friendly motels which should be named, more appropriately,
human friendly kennels. Do not be fooled by vets who say you can drug your dog.
Most dogs do well while under the influence, but if anything, bark and growl
even more. Its better if you can, drug yourself, so at least you get a couple
of hours of sleep. Men—watch what you eat. You are in a closed-up car so forgo
the burrito until you get there or, at least, stop to kick the tires once in a
while.
Now, there are some games you can play to pass the time on
the trip. Roadkill bingo is one of my favorites. But remember, there are very
few porcupines in Arizona, and an equal shortage of armadillos in Iowa, so you
might have to change the cards from time to time. Instead of a free space, just
put a raccoon in there. It is my belief that no raccoon ever crossed the road
safely; even though the chicken did it just to show the raccoon it could be
done. Remember, you are not allowed to stop to identify any animal that has
been repeatedly pulverized. A deer is counted as only one deer, even if it’s
all over four lanes. You get double points for anything you run over yourself,
but only if it’s still alive.
This is important. Your navigation system will take you on
the shortest possible route. It does not know, and I might add, does not care,
that getting on the Dan Ryan Express in Chicago, at four thirty on Friday
afternoon, is not a good idea. It does not know that babies have been born,
weaned, and have taken their first step while going through downtown Atlanta.
It is all right to tell it to shut up, once in a while, and get out the old map
and look for an escape route. Men do not argue with her about the route. Just
do it, and if it’s wrong, it’s still your fault. I know it’s not fair, but as
my old dad said, “A fair is where you go to get your pig judged.” Bon voyage, and may the force be with
you.
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