Today I had a note from a dear friend who has lost her
husband to dementia. She went on to say that every day brings with it new
challenges for him and her. She never knows what to expect or how he will act
from one day to the next. She only knows that this man, whom she has loved all
of their married life, is just a shell of what he once was. That the active
life he once knew is over, and hers has been put on hold caring for him; that
the future for them is not a week, a month, or a year down the road—it is
getting through tomorrow. Thankfully, she has family that cares and loves them
both very much. Their love surrounds them, but the time always comes when they,
as they must do, go home to their busy lives and it’s just her and him again.
Over the past four years, I have made it a quest to try and
write about the trials and tribulations that come with aging that most of us
never think about. Of all of the cruel diseases that come into our lives,
dementia brings with it problems that seem especially egregious because they
can last for a long time. To a loving spouse this can be a big chunk of their
life, too—a chunk of life taken away at a time when they have so little left to
give in the remaining years. I cared for my wife, who had cancer, for eleven
months and watched it ravage her body. The time I gave was measured in months
not years, and when she passed life for me returned to a form of normalcy. If
I’d had a choice I would have preferred it never happened, but we don’t get a
choice, do we?
A family member of my own extended family has Alzheimer’s.
Over the years, I have watched him deteriorate. He is at a point now where he
is locked in his own little world. Still happy, but not that aware of the world
or those around him. In his better days this man was an accomplished carpenter.
He still has that muscular body that came from years of tipping walls, carrying
sheeting and sheet rock, but right now there is little he can do but watch
television. His wife must be on guard for his well-being all of the time—giving
him his meds and feeding and clothing him. You think back over the years when
your kids were little, and you had to get a sitter to care for them just to
have a few hours to yourself, but you knew that the day would come when they
would be responsible for themselves and you would have your freedom back. The
difference here was that you were dealing with a developing mind, that you had
great hopes for, and not a deteriorating mind that once was great.
We have all had heroes in our lives and these two women are
high on my list. A long time ago they professed their love and commitment to
their spouses. Now they are showing the world and us what better or worse,
sickness and health really means to them. I remember a time toward the end of
my wife’s life when things were especially hectic and precarious. Maybe it
showed on my face, I don’t know, but from her sickbed she told me, “I am so
sorry to put you through this.” I usually have an answer for most things, but I
had no answer for that except to say, “You would have done the same.” I really
believe she would have cared for me in the same way.
We all have our limits and capabilities no matter what the
situation. This was not meant to cast judgement on those who cannot care for
their loved ones.
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