I talked with a dear old friend the other night whose
husband is suffering with dementia. It’s progressed to the point that he’s in a
memory care unit and she has to leave her home to go visit him and she does
this every a day. She told me that in one of her visits he told her, “I want to
get up out of this chair and come over and wrap my arms around you.” I want all
of you who are living with your spouse or significant other, who still have
minds and bodies that work, to think about this. Think about a time when your
body no longer works because your mind no longer works and you are locked out
of the simplest tasks. You have nothing to offer anyone but love and right now
even that is complicated by your inability to even hold your partner.
My grandparents lived into their eighties and their dream
was when they couldn’t take care of themselves anymore to move to a facility
where they could live out the rest of their lives together and be cared for.
They made all of the arrangements and the day came and they seemed so happy
even though they knew-- and we knew-- that this was the last stop. That didn’t
matter to them; just being together was all they really wanted. They really had
little to offer the world anymore and every fiber of their being was now
dedicated to just making each other happy. I have a picture of them I treasure,
sitting side by side in their room contented.
Then Grandma had a massive stroke and she had to go
somewhere else because she was now a complete invalid. My grandfather was
devastated as he had no car and very little money and no way to get to Grandma.
He begged rides from relatives and spent what little money he did have on cabs.
Then one night when I was in my early twenties this old but seemingly otherwise
healthy man gave it all up and passed away. My father, his son, came down from
up north for his dad’s funeral. It was the only time I ever saw my dad cry. I
asked him what happened, why did grandpa die? “It’s was his heart,” he said. “I
didn’t know he had a bad heart,” I answered. Dad looked at me his eyes flowing
with tears and said. “It wasn’t bad-- it was broken.”
There is no other organ in our bodies that is so in tune
with our minds like our hearts. No other organ that can be so adversely
affected by the lack of love, the absence of love. Love is truly what makes the
world go around. It’s what makes our lives go on and gives us purpose in life.
Love is an intricate part of our life’s experience because we are by nature,
nurturing people and because we know from experience that to get love you have
to give love. People not capable of love, live empty lives indeed.
Love can be
your undoing too as what happened to my grandpa. As people grow old together,
all too often they just plain grow together and become one. Become one body and
spirit that is totally dependent on being together. It’s a beautiful thing to
witness, as mean as it can seem to be when someone is lost. People leave but
memories live on and at least for most of us we will have those to nurture until
our life is done.
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